I must go back to the hotel. The place where I once called home.

I must go back to see the place, perhaps for one last time.

My gran died there. Well, she didn’t exactly die in that place. But her health declined because of it, because of taking care of us there drove her to an early grave.

I lived in a hotel when I was younger, my mom worked at one, and she had to be on call 24/7. I loved the glamour of living in one, the convinience, the posh, the fake sweet service smiles. Like princess, I was waited on hand and foot, and didn’t have to lift a finger for house chores or meals as everything was within a press of a bell or telephone button. I remember thinking how impressed my friends would be when I told them they’d have to use an extention to reach me by phone and when they found out where I lived, how it was practically in the heart and lungs of KL, my beautiful, thriving, home city. I loved it, my material greediness and  childish desire to show off were satisfied by my mother’s high flying job.

The only snag was my Hokkien-speaking grandmother.She was very strong and vocal lady, pushing 75 but still as lively as a 60-year old. In retrospect, she was the first real Mother figure in my life; my mom was very much absent during my childhood ( both my parents were ) but she made up for it when she quit that hotel job to take care of my sister and I when we hit puberty.

My grandma instilled a fear and deep respect for the elders in me. She was truly the first person who taught me how to be thrifty, how to be ’street-smart’, how to use the womanly cunning and female intuition to its max, and above all, the importance of education. Till to this day, my sister and I are super afraid of getting bad grades. Particularly yours truly here; I had been drilled to get A’s and A’s and A’s, nothing less was expected of me. I could make excuses for one poor performance in an exam but I could not make excuses for not studying or working hard at my school work.

Darling Gran used to tell me ” Study hard, it’s your ticket out of here, you won’t need to burden anyone if you study hard and do well in your exams and get a scholarship. Study hard, get a good high paying job, and then you can take care of your parents and do whatever you please.Study hard “

Oh Granny, if only you could see me now. She died on the day I received my ” Scholar of The Year ” award for my academic and extra curricular achievements in high school. I’ll never ever forget the 5th of May.

Oh Granny, I’m so sorry ! I’m so sorry for driving you to an early grave ! I know I was such an arrogant brat during those years ; always refusing to listen to you, and thinking you were just some senile old lady who kept mumbling in Hokkien, a crazy Chinese dialect made up of harsh, crude-sounding, seemingly vulgar words that I did not understand.

I was so afraid of you when I was younger, because I didn’t know how much fun you could be, or how wise you were, or how much you’ve suffered, or how much you love me. I wish I could turn back time, and sit down and listen to one of your stories again. Those stories with a million meanings have left with you, my memory fails me no matter how hard I try to recall your wise Hokkien proverbs and little anecdotes.

I will go back to that place.  I need to relive the memories.

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My grandma’s death anniversary was 2 weeks ago. I was in the middle of exams then and did not do my normal mourning ritual. The comfort of rituals. I will do it this Sunday. This post is a tribute to my grandma. The first woman to ever bring me into the kitchen and show me that splattering oil is not to be feared, but to be learned.

I found more of my older journal posts. Have no idea where they were previously but this is great!!!

I have to post this one here and share with everyone how awesome Zhou Lao Shi is!!! Reading it brought tears into my eyes. And unlike my other posts which I will defend their privacy with all my might, this one I have to share.

 

Farewell – Unedited. Because I sense something from my choice of words and urgency of tone.

 

Today was one of the most memorable farewell days ever for me. Personally, I think it was near perfect.

I went to my dance studio to see my dance teachers for the last time. Most of my dance mates had already left by the time I reached the studio because the class ended earlier. I should have been at class with them actually but I couldn’t. Had not the heart to dance properly, nor the strength to go full out and push myself, nor the indecency to show Lao Shi less than perfect work on my last day of class.

Walked quickly through the office buildings in the 1.00pm sun. My mind tried to capture every flaw in the whitewashed walls, every detail in the cement path, and every nook and crook of the gentle stairs. Perhaps, when your heart knows it’s time to leave, your mind works even harder to retain precise mental images and sustain the burdening memories.

Both my dance teachers, one of the most famous Ballet dancer couples in my country, were there. Ms Ellie saw me and greeted me with her usual smile and professional black garb – her teacher uniform I call it. Both Zhou Lao Shi ( translated from Chinese, it means Teacher Zhou. We never call him Mr Zhou because we have far too much respect for him ) 

Then Lao Shi spotted me. He excused himself from his senior students, came over, and. ( Let me take a moment here to pause for breath. The tears are coming. I cannot stop them, they flood my eyes too quickly for my brain to send stop signals or attempt any other control methods )

Okay.

He came over and gave me this huge,giganormous, tight hug. Not the’ feeble arms over your back and wide distance ‘ type, the really super sincere and heartbreaking type. He said ” oh you take care ah ” in that low, reassuring, authorative voice of his. And then chuckled in a little embarassed way when he saw that puddles were forming in my eyes. And took my hands into his. ( Okay another break, Steph needs to cry. NOW  And not just any tears, bloody baby sobs with whimpering sounds okay )

Okay,

Then he took my hands in his large palms and clasped them, as if trying to tell me something, I don’t know; I’m loved, I’m not to cry because there’s no such thing as goodbye, I’m going with his blessings, I DON’ KNOW!

But what I do know is that it seemed as if he was trying to convince me that I should go, wishing me all the best, and channeling his passion and zeal and love for ballet into me. He shook my hands in both of his and patted my shoulder one last time.I couldn’t even look at him, my dear Lao Shi, the tears blocked the view of his kind, stern eyes. I did try to, however, and when I looked into his eyes, I saw nothing but kindness and hope for me, nothing that resembled the sadness I feel for leaving  the security of EZBS,

I don’t know whether Lao Shi was fond of me or not, I was not exactly the most outstanding student in class, nor the most improved or most receptive.

But I do know that he will remember me whenever I come back for a visit, that he will welcome me back with open arms and teach me with only one purpose in his mind – to educate me about the beauty of ballet.

 I do know that he wishes and wants the best for me, and wants me to believe that nothing is impossible in ballet – bodies can be shaped, muscles can be formed, music and “ kan chuir ”  can transform everything. From him, I’ve learnt that ballet is more internal than anything, and it takes a lot of courage to pursue this path without losing yourself, without losing your passion, without losing your heart and soul.

He wants to believe that I can do anything in ballet, anything in dance, anything I choose to, because nothing is impossible and I am capable.

That’s the best gift and lesson any teacher can ever give – HOPE.

Each time I think of skipping class, I will think of Lao Shi’s eyes, so wanting me to succeed.

Each time I feel demotivated, I will think of Ms Adeline’s parting advice to me – ‘ relax and dance from your heart. It’s more important than technique ’ – and the countless mini lectures or rather public demonstations of love Zhou Lao Shi makes to Ballet in his classes – the fire in his voice, the passion in his movements, the wit and logic of his dance technique.

Each time I get bored or stressed with dance, I will find different ways to express myself. I’ll remember Ms Adeline’s expressiveness, Siau Yin’s sparkle, Siew Hiong’s discipline, Wen Shin’s innocent, sublte, and delicate quality, Elynn’s preciseness and cleanliness, Jia Sin’s faith, determination, and steadfastness, Annie’s moments of eureka, Pei Nee’s extentions,

Above all I will remind myself that I have the chance that they did not; I get to go to University on a prestigious scholarship to study something I have such passion and love for. No matter the struggles or hardships, I cannot fail my family, teachers nor those who have inspired me nor those who look up to me. I must come back a stronger and more improved, mature, version of myself, one that is able to contribute and give, not just take and receive.

” May she go with Your Blessings ” – Ms Adeline’s prayer for me.

I’m returning to Kay Elle on the 3rd of June. Will I emerge a better and more loving person I have no idea. I have a different idea of myself now – I’m perfect as I am and am only working to bring those qualities out. I know I have every facility it takes to succeed. Because I’m perfect as I am, I’m perfect as I come. Yet, the hope that my teachers had and still have for me, resonates at the very base of my soul, my heart chakras, my deepest inner child.

Sitting in the dark in this huge beautiful house in a foreign land, secluded high up in the mountains amidst a grayish fog and listening to the pit-pit pattering of rain, I’m thinking of you.

I’m thinking of you. Are you thinking of me?

I’m all alone here in this part of the world, miles and miles away from you and yet, there is not a single day when I don’t think of you. Our embrace feels as if it just happened yesterday, your lips on my cheek is a sensation I can still vividly recall. There is not one single day that goes by that I don’t think of you.

I called but you were busy. I called again but you did not pick up this time. I emailed but your email account rejects me.

I cannot reach you from where I am now. I don’t know what’s going on in your mind. And I won’t. Not anymore.

I’m pining for something which I thought existed but distance is a great separator after all. Sitting here in the cold, in the dark, all alone but I do not ask for your sympathy. Perhaps, the chill has hardened my heart much as the heat has melted yours.

There is no room in your life, no space in your heart, and no allocations or pauses in your time for me. I can see that I’ve been disillusioned all this while, thinking I had meaning or was, at the very least, semi valuable, to you. I honestly don’t know why my heart longs to hear your voice so much, or to see an email, even two or three lines would have sufficed.. I really didn’t know why I fell for you even though I cautioned myself sternly not to encourage any affection more than necessary. I don’t even know why I feel so dulled and hurt by your inaction. Isn’t that something I should have expected from one who shuns relationship commitment in the favour of materialistic wealth and the other joyous pleasures money has to offer? Isn’t that something I should have expected from a x-year old bachelor whose personality attracts so many friends and whose demands for adventure remains unsatisfied? 

Unrequited love is a universal theme. Its victims are united in its pain. Well, I refuse to be one of them. Why should I, of all people, struggle with this internal battle when I have greater victories to fight for?

Hence, I’m moving on. Though you may not even realize the significance of this decision of mine as you’ve never realised the significance of yourself in my heart, I’m terminating this relationship because I can no longer deal with your silence. In this foreign soil, I’m face to face with an alien people, an alien culture, an alien environment, and an alien lifestyle everyday. I already feel so alone here without my trusted ones, I do not need to bear the pain of brutal ,silent treatment that rings of rejection from you.

Please don’t bother to declare your excuses at the Customs barrier. No one wants to hear them. Leave them behind, along with the memories. Though I have no photos, memoirs, nor lockets of our time together, every single day I spent with you was an explicit memory, abruptly fading with every signal of rejection you send. Soon, I will no longer remember those days where innocence played a part in my corruption.

To fall for someone and leave them is a harsh emotional situation to be in. To fall for someone who does not feel the same way and leave them is perhaps the best situation for the both of us. The cliché ‘time heals’ is not a cliché for nothing. All the melodious times we had together will fade with every second of my discipline to not think about you. I resolve now to occupy myself with other more positive issues, surround myself with different people, and arm myself with prayer at every moment of struggle and despair. I shall not look to you for comfort anymore.

Perhaps, we were never meant to be after all, as ridiculous as this sounds. The overused old Malay proverb verbalizes it more beautifully than these clichés of  English origins; One cannot clap with one hand.

A toast to the symphony that might have been! My music of emotional freedom has just begun!

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The above was one of my journal entries, after an estimated 4 weeks of heartbreak. I saw it quite recently and am frankly, very stunned to see how capable and how articulate I was then. The picture this entry paints was not quite like the one in my memory.

Indeed,after almost a year of college, I’m beginning to glimpse the growth.  When I look at this entry and some of my recent ones (personal journal,not here), I’m beginning to allow myself to hope. I’m beginning to see the difference in how I act, carry out my decisions, even the decisions I make and the struggles I go through are indicators of my growth.

Life in a American university, as one of the minority students, no, as one of the more privileged minority students, and as a scholar and dancer, I’m beginning to see what I lacked in my youth. When I look back on those moments in my youth, how much I must have irritated Wilson and William, how hard my friends must hav tried to not show faces of annoyance, how much my mother had to bear with my idealistic fantasies…

I’m truly blessed. Hardships here have knocked quite a bit of sense into me. Having to take full responsibility for everything I do – this is not something entirely different but somehow here, this task/duty is magnified.

I have many regrets, I have many hopes. I have many wants. But I also have much to thank for.

At least I’m suffering a broken heart no longer. It’s Time for me to Live.

A post in the development.

Inspired by this quote by Bill Maher ( he made the famous documentary ‘ Religulous’ which got passed over at the Oscars’ :

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

This quote stuck out so poignantly to me. After reading an article on him, I’m forcing myself to reexamine my patriotic efforts and whether I’ve been truly patriotic or simply propagating my country’s propaganda. And I can’t remain objective on this either because…well..because objectivity is really a cover for ideology.

A couple more questions I need to think about:

1) Certitude. Is it really the hallmark of those not very bright?

2) Is faith defined by religion as the willing andpurposeful suspension of critical thinking? I don’t know how I feel about this. Faith as a replacement for thinking. I like that opinion, I see its truth, but I’m not quite sure how to react a bit.

3) Politics is anything but telling the truth. The irony of this statement puts a cloud over me.

 

KK lots to think about..I’m going back to study now. Brain lesions and speech production here I come !

- In response to your question, anonymous. Sorry if I sound crude. Finals are tomorrow and that’s never a happy time for anyone.

I’ve learnt that technology is not my friend when it comes to privacy.

I’ve learnt that I’m a contributer to consumerism and therefore capitalism and I’m not happy with that fact.

I’ve been truly humbled and enlightened so much this year that I’ve learnt how naive and simple I used to be.

I’ve been exposed to so many terrible and wonderful things it’s hard not to have that impact your soul.

To the anonymous commenter, I thank you for asking what I learnt.  I cannot simply answer that question right now. It needs deep reflection and a tremendous amount of self will to spark that process. My mind is overwhelmed with thoughts of the finals, thoughts of transfering, thoughts of working, thoughts of flying, thoughts of going back home.

But I will answer your question in due time. When I’ve gathered enough of the self will.

Thank you.

Arrest my mind and you’ll have my heart

IF…..

IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:If you can dream – and not make dreams your master; If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, ‘ Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

 -Rudyard Kipling-

“I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” ~Maya Angelou

“Why should the world be only as you think it is? Who gave you the authority to say so?” ~Don Juan

“An artist cannot fail;it is a success to be one.” ~Charles Horton Cooley

“Life and choreography are about the lines you draw on the canvas. . .so put away the eraser, what you draw is always right.” ~Nia Love

“The difference between success and failure in dance is not measured by your ability; instead it is measured by your willinginess to keep up the fight. Once you stop fighting for it, you are done.” ~Onye Ozuzu

“Sometimes you just have to take the leap and build your wings on the way down.” ~Kobi Yamada

“If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.” ~Lou Whitaker

“In the long run, we get no more than we have been willing to risk giving.” ~Sheldon Kopp

“No one imagines that a symphony is supposed to improve in quality as it goes along, or that the whole object of playing it is to reach the finale. The point of music is discovered in every moment of playing and listening to it. It is the same, I feel, with the greater part of our lives, and if we are unduly absorbed in improving them we may forget altogether to live them.” ~Alan Watts

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Great Dance Quotes ( from my current professors )

Thoughts on Alessandra Ferri:
“Bitch took THREE STEPS- ONE, TWO, THREE- and threw herself on Julio Bocca.”
-Gabe

 

‘ This is a squate, not a plie.’

‘ This is a fart, not a curve. ‘

‘This is John Travolta. This is a stretch. Yes exactly right’.

“Sunshine coming through!”

-Gabe

 
” Ha Gravity, I spit on you.”

“Turns are easy. I love turns. I’m not a good turner but I tell myself I am”

” Isn’t it great that we can just dance?”

“We’re not sacrificing any virgins here, we’re just dancing.”
-Erika

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“Art doesn’t immitate life. Art anticipates life.”
-Jeanette Winterson

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“Life is too beautiful to quit”

“The worst feeling in the world is wanting someone, but knowing you can’t have them.”

“Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield”

“A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn’t like the tune”

“Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death”

“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it”

“Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have”

“Where there is no struggle, there is no strength”

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“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm” -Emerson

“What is a scientist after all? It is a curious man looking through a keyhole, the keyhole of nature, trying to know what’s going on.” -Jacques Yves Cousteau

“The best scientist is open to experience and begins with romance – the idea that anything is possible.” -Ray Bradbury

“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.” -Albert Einstein

The great secret of doctors, known only to their wives, but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves; most things, in fact, are better in the morning.
Lewis Thomas

“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.” -Marie Curie

“Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be.” -Anton Chekhov

“To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” -Heather Cortez

“Be the Change you wish to see in the World” -Gandhi

“The foundation of every state is the education of its youth.” -Diogenes Laertius

“To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. “-Edison

“I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.”-Martha Washington

“Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Accordingly a genius is often merely a talented person who has done all of his or her homework.”-Edison

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” -Edison

“Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” Mahatma Gandhi

“I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, only more love.” -Mother Teresa

“The earth was not given to us by our parents. It was loaned to us by our children.”

“Only if we understand can we care. Only if we care will we help. Only if we help shall they be saved. ” -Jane Goodall

“Love is patient, Love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, It is not proud, It is not rude, It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”
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“Say what you want and do what you feel, because the ones that matter don’t mind, and the ones that mind don’t matter.” Dr. Seuss

“The greatest Americans have not been born yet,
they are waiting patiently for the past to die.” -Saul Williams

“As I give you my hand, I give you my heart…” -My wedding vows

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” -Gandhi

“No artist is ahead of his time. He is his time. It is just that the others are behind the time. ” -Martha Graham

“Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours.” Swedish proverb

“If you want to be understood… listen.” -Babel

“Our arms start in the back, because they were once wings.” -Martha Graham

“I am so glad I am not a dancer anymore… it’s a dog’s life.” -Madonna

“The painted nature of this earth is water-based and will fade if not tended.” -Saul Williams

Every 20th of April, hundreds of students and community members come together at the Norlin Quad of CU to celebrate International Cannabis Day. It is the notorious marijuana celebration where 6000-150000 gather and raise their joints, protesting for marijuana to be legalized and urging everyone to join in the ‘weed’.

CU does not approve nor solicit this annual protest, the police that clearly surround the beautiful green grass are proof of their disapproval. But the business clearly don’t mind the stoners. 

I’m sitting here wondering whether I should stay and watch this historic event or go and mind my own business instead. The smell of pot is purid. But the smokers intrigue me. Hmm, wouldn’t mind watching a couple of scandalous arrests today… It is T-shirt weather after all.

I don’t smoke but I’m constantly intrigued by pot smokers here. How can you tell whether someone smokes pot or not ?  It’s not really possible to do that without going into stereotypes.

Chatting with a couple of smokers who passed by, I asked and was asked some very interesting questions. The more common questions that I was asked ( Iwon’t tell you what I asked, it’s way too embarassing) :

1) Is smoking part of your culture?

Smoking pot is universal but I just feel  it’s so much a part of American culture, one that is substantially alien to my Malaysian subculture. Although it is a universal addiction, I don’t think I can bring myself to understand or do it.  At the risk of sounding like a judgemental ass, I’ve been brought with far too strong a respect for my body to purposefully damage it in any way.

2) Are you okay with smokers?

At this point of time, it’s rather impossible for me to sanction it. Everyone has their personal belief and ethics; I have mine. But neither do I condemn it.  So yes, I am okay with smokers.

Why ? Well, condemnation merely leads to oppression, it does not have any benefits whatsover and I daresay it’s the 8th sin, the attitude that leads to demoralization and dehumanization. The truth is we are all not any more superior or inferior to each other. And really, judging someone by their lifestyle choices alone is not fair, just, or rational.

 I cannot  and will not oppress someone’s right to choose to smoke pot.  Neither should anyone. To me, smoking pot, drinking, doing any other kinds of drugs..is sometimes not a mistake, but a choice. The use of alcohol and marijuana could even be an educated choice. There are bad choices and good choices but the choices do not make a person.

3) Have you ever smoked?

Nope. I personally don’t like its smell, I can’t fathom smoking anymore than I can fathom mass suicide/homicide. If you were to smoke a joint in front of me, I’d be puzzled. It seems very unnatural to me. It is a neuro toxin no matter how much one argues its medical benefits.

4) You’re not against smokers, are you ?

My friends who smoke I love and respect dearly but I’m strongly against irresponsible users of marijuana, which would probably count everyone at some point. It’s like drinking, who hasn’t gotten irresponsibly and overbearingly drunk and felt the consequences the next day?

5) What do you think of legalizing marijuana?

Like every other substance, food, and drug, it needs to be used responsibly. I believe legalizing marijuana would positively impact the number of responsible users and reduce the number of irresponsible drinkers. But why would you smoke in the first place? I’m just the type of person who does not understand the need for drugs and drink, especially the need to spend a substantial amount of time and money on it.

I suppose everyone has their own addiction. Responsibility sets the addicts apart from the recreational users.

………….

There’re probably more addicts than Rusers today though judging by the turnout of the hippy nation. Boulderites for 420 unite !

My boyfriend’s afraid I’ll cut his testicles off.